POEMS

COMING BACK

 

After I ran away

Coming back seemed so much farther

Than the fears took me…

He ran, too?

Sacred objects got carefully placed back

into material wrappings

My heart, his hopes, US, circumstances

Still honored, deeply

By his detachment.

He let me go

Something he needed to do?

I came back…

To find him still there…where I left him…

His ego fled, as it needed to

Heart torn bare, yet never faltered

For Self, or Other

As it is meant to…

Coming Back

No distance to travel

Other than back into my heart

Where he lives, too.

Back into his, simultaneously

One, BOTH, so courageous among the few.

  

  

  

  

CLOSING OUT:

Time to end this string of words

that kept me afloat

when it felt like do or die time

  

time to seek a new place for sharing

my love

of rhyme

  

and rhythm,

of angst and truth

concord and discord

one could never mime…

  

No sadness, please!

Perhaps you’ll encounter more

‘of  my essence’ …somewhere else

down the line?

 

Not likely, but ‘one neva knows!’

 

11/15/2010

 

 

All of my poems are written spontaneously, oft-times with no editing,

sometimes with editing only within the few minutes they are begun,

ALWAYS  as a cathartic journal of sorts.

~* * * ~

 

November 13, 2010

The Right

Can one earn a right

Or did I have it all along?

Why do I feel I needed to earn it

With a dance and/or a song?

A trick, or a treat?

To which does this belong?

 

A treat…a Sweet treat

I have been told,  I am

By both an innocent child

And many a man…

 

So, Treat it shall be viewed as

From The Universe of All

To make up for the many times

I had to ‘take the fall’

Because I had been bred

To not stand proud and tall

 

November 6, 2010 

She Had a Visitor

Something inside her made her look

colors called

 Her Visitor brought Colors

She ran to the door

This time there’s a note

 

He wants her

Pure

 

Wants her

To hold on

No matter what

  

Gently she recalls….

The children await

Needing guidance

and play

 

What was that?

What? What else did he say?

 

He will be there

Upon her arrival

At Heaven’s gate

  

Joy now!

Sweet joy!

 

She felt so abandoned

When he only passed

 through that gate~

But now there’s

an entry

another door

 

For him to come back

 to speak of The Divine

 to her once more

 

She takes the colors in,

 washed a bit from tears

He has shed…

at her sadness at his leaving

her with

the loneliness

 of an empty bed

 

She grasps to accept

what he tells her now

A terminally open

no ceiling, no floor

Existence he dwells in?

 

With a pure heart

waiting for hers, once more to…

adore. 

 

With this he ends his calling:

never lose sight of those colors

they are meant to assure…

I never really left you…

before returning,

this time,

this once more.

* * *

October 29, 2010

Someone sent me a poem today

He wrote:

As I walk down this lonely path
I am joined by a butterfly who happened by
With wings of colors so pure
She lited from flower to flower and brush to trees
I worry that harm may come to her as she is so dainty and frail
I want to catch her to keep her safe and warm
But realize her beauty comes from her free spirit within
Guiding her away from all that endangers
My path veers to the right
She follows her heart and flutters off to the left
How profound of me to think
The world is round a circle for sure
Without a begining or an end
So as I continue to the right and she off to my left
I know our paths will cross again
To enjoy each others company once more

My reply:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your gift has caught me in its joy.
I rest there now, taking in the nectar of your heart
Happy to know there it yet another safe place to land
when so few can be found.
Blessed,
My wings will fly stronger
With a better sense of direction
Goodness and truth
My internal compass is set on
Calibrated even more precisely now…
I lift off, into an uncertain future
Knowing only that I am more
Aware of special gardens
Containing extraordinary nectar.
Choosing one garden to inhabit
Will be my eventual outcome
all made easier if those being explored
are in full bloom.

 

Kitties on Paxil

Watching my kitties

who now drink

Paxil-laced water

Halloween Spooktacular

on Morning Cafe

  

Phantom of The Opera

Recalling my birthday treat

to her

Sister, do you?

 

These kitties are too much

and also just right

little one surprises me!

so clever!

 that was a fake out

and another

left, right, jab, jab

touch, touch

  

He stays on his back

all four in the air

allowing her to feel total ease

I realize he is teaching her

and even welcomes her sly attmpts to

make him let down his guard

 

 

The rough-necking dance

I observe

is so amazingly coordinated

and consciously

here and now

calculated and attempted

thoroughly claimed to be

a right

as they are One!

 

Kitties on Paxil

I am drawn into their

JOY

and partake vicariously 

 

Oh no…

The theme from Twilight Zone

  big boy runs to me

Mommy protect me

soothe me

I pet him

he then chooses to wash my face

makes the music less real?

smart baby! 

Thank you, I say

 

I am still needed

Paxil cannot capture their hearts

sigh, warm heart, so real and wondrous

 

Now in this place

at this amazing zero-one combo superspeed communicating  machine

realizing that this process

assists in my understanding

when I try to share



I am now confounded.

 

Why do people fear

chemicals that can

work miracles on ferals from the past

Yet not care

what is in their food

or ‘miracle creams’ they use

to create false beauty,

yet may end their lives sooner?

 

This home is happy.

I am not afraid to embrace

or avoid

that which I know

about. 



I know about Paxil.

I also know that I got off of it with

Super-nutrition.

Maybe my kitties can, too?

I need to look into that!

<SMILES>

 

October 28, 2010

Still

 

Stillness
 Listening to your soul’s wisdom
Life’s inner kingdom
 
Stillness
To allow letting go
Extraneous desires of ego
 
Stillness
Reacquainting oneself with joy
Listening to one’s inner girl (or boy)
 
Stillness
Too often untapped and ignored
Until one becomes overwhelmed,or bored
 
With running in too many directions.

 Mid-October, 2010

…may be my best friend ever

Fear will not stop me

My heart and soul in sync

my mind more clear now

…just think

&  live

as YOU choose

it’s the only way

to fly

 

 October 13th, 2010

Dumb Blond

I know I could play the Dumb Blond

and, I could play it REALLY well

I see other women playing it ALL the time

There is also the bimbo brunette role…

and, the goofy airhead redhead…

I can play any of them

But have only ever chosen to…

LOVE ME  <3

and desire another to love ‘as is.’

  

October 7th, 2010

 

Who Knew?

There is a man I like.

Who knew I’d like him so?

Not me.

 

There is a way I enjoy.

Who knew I’d trade so much

to live this way?

Not me.

 

There is a sound of peace,

I’ve heard it, and know I can

find my way back, in time.

Who knew I’d ever hear it?

Not me.

 

Who knew I would embrace it all;

the pain, the sorrow, the shattered moments of hope…

that always make way for more love?

ME.

Why me?

Who knows?

Guess that’s for someone else to understand.

 

Fed UP

Full of despair…fed up

Full of shocking news…fed up

Full of disappointment…fed up

Time to starve my soul…lay low in this jungle…

make room for some joy…

Because I am, RIGHT NOW,  fed up.

 

JUST ONCE

The baby was born into Hell on Earth

Parents with Ego agendas…

knew who he was going to be before he could talk

Like so many others.

He didn’t stand half a chance…

 

He felt many horrid things

In the normal  life that expectations bring

He learned to not give more than a glance

At anything that looked sincerely genuine

Else the caretakers’ frowns

within he might drown

 

His sister fared no better…

in those respects

other than that special Uncle…

Just once did he tell her that she was special

and it made all of the difference.

That JUST ONCE.

 

September 30, 2010

 

On Being Gina’s  Soul

(A poem about becoming able to be genuine) 

He, the tallest, was the sailor, not her

bought a boat with her money, that particular He

Yet she is the truest lover of the wonderful Sea

between her and he.

 

Another few he’s, yes…both the third and the very first,

they both loved money so

Yet, without her, their money they would never know…

as we lived where they wanted and stood by their sides

(Although no vote ever had I!)

 

She helped them grow up,  

grow wealthy and bold,

always protected their pride

like a mother should, truth be told.

 

Oh, Sweet Gina…

if only your mother could…

and, what about your father…unloved by his self, too…

oh, but  I digress…

 

We loved and we loved…

her them, and me she

until they lashed out…too often

at either Gina,  or me,

(or a stranger or three

Like that sweet family…)

 

She did what the He’s needed, 

treated them all like fine brothers…

gave all that she could

both above and below covers.

 

Another He, once engaged,

even told her he had loved another

he,

but that ‘he was before meeting Gina and  me’

he guaranteed!

 

Yes, she wed him, still

and,  for 16 long years

she paid that unmet need’s bill ~

(She even moved us to Tennessee

without thinking twice! 

She was almost just like one of Skinner’s mice!)

  

This story sounds sad

but, it hasn’t been all so bad…

 

Gladly I can say, it only took a few weeks

until she was through

with trying to love the last he,

while feeling so blue!

…from not listening to me,

about what she needed to do!

 

IT WAS THEN….

YES!, I finally succeeded,

and, I’ll tell you how!

I snuck in a whisper or two,

passed to me from our good friend and pal…

about that he’s

probable deceptions,

at least indifference to fear

…hers

and…with THAT her heart felt a large ”Ow!”

snd WE let out a tear

 

Hooray!

from my concerns she could no longer hide,

no…not ‘that road’ again…not now!

Not her & I!

 

I told her I love her, always had and always will,

 that she deserved more

than a man who spoke easily

but with no deep essence

being shown to adore.

 

Still, she tried to give him a chance

…spoke to him about ‘thingss’

but, HIS SILENCE SPOKE CHAPTERS!

JUST SILENCE FROM HE

 after HEARING HER PAIN…

THEN…she could finally feel

through me.

 

The night before that…

I had asked in her dreams:

how can she let this endure?

THAT must have done the trick

Yes, it WAS that

to be sure!

 

I helped her summon the courage

 to feel that pain,

Then…

A light came on…shining on us both…

A lighthouse from the heavens…

allowed her sweet-heart to safely reach shore~

 

 then,

 

She wised up, my person…

she grew stronger, and proud

 I tell you, it was ‘the most’…she listened lovingly

as I told her ALOUD :

 

He’s not worthy of your pain,

 …and reminded her of her past choices…

I begged her, please refrain…

Surely, I plead, You won’t do that to us again?!

 

…hiding your spirit, US, behind he’s….

Almost losing our own essence,

right before my own eyes, did she!

 

SHE ALMOST REPEATED THE PAST… 

…BUT THEN…

instead of ignoring me…

all over again…

this time, she finally ‘got it’…

 

“Got what?,” you will ask

That…It was never just ’to be a wife,’

or girlfriend,

our raison d’etre.. our Big Task

 

certainly not to just ‘any of those Tom’s, Dick’s, or Harry’s”

did she, nor I, ever truly long to marry

 

…but she did it,  four times, all for naught,

this time will be different, I prayed…please,

Gina, don’t let us be caught.

 

Not to boast too much here…

but, to be fully clear,

she even realized

because of me,

 there was now nothing to fear!

 

She thanked me for my love…

said

I’d been loyal, like a good soul always should… 

I assured her….to deny the pain of her ignorance to her,

I just never would, nor ever could

 

 I

The soul of this woman,

the innocent child of 53 years now

whom I have always lovingly cared for

day in and day out,

would not, could not, let go of her

as she swam about

 

in waves too high for leisure

but just right for learning.

 

You see,

She had wanted a fast track…

this time,  when she came back

…that was her yearning

God’s guarantee?

 

And, I finally learned..

it was ALL done by her…

just to  HELP grow ME !

 

…her sweet loving soul…

graduate from what seemed an endless fate…

always with the fearful,

the shrewd, and the bad…

even those who chose hate

 

 She has shown herself to be my hero!

 Gina, the true,

strong and happy,

the no longer frightfully blue!

 

A true heart, with pure gratitude,

for Life itself,

“Dear Lord,” I said, “this is simply a Soul’s greatest hope!”

COME TRUE.

 

It’s been over a year now and we’ve not had one urge

 to shout

at another He,

as she  still often gets tossed about.

 

Yes, there’s been more men

since leaving her only true tormentor

including a book-seller, programmer, scuba teacher,

and even a not to be mentioned unusual inventor!

 

but

 only dignified and loving

toward  her ‘new friend’s

has she been

seeing in them, too, 

the innocence Life always brings.

 

A happy ending it is…

as no man controls her now.

 

My path she did clear

…we’re now truly endeared

yes…Grace did finally enter here

 

And,  joined Gina -  

she with me

… allowing US,

 to  simply BE…

 

Gina

one cohesive, loving totality.

 

 

 

September 22, 2010

Just another Wednesday

Wednesday. Wednesday

Whether or not you like it, it’s a day or two before

I need to tell you

“FRIENDS ONLY”

because He is still in my heart,

and because, try as you did, I now know you never entered it

For trying to, all I can give to you now is  the heart-ache of a simple “Thank you.”

Wednesday… yes, just another day, and…

Whether or not anyone likes it,

it’s the only day that’s here now,

and, it is in each ‘now’ that each ‘then’ is being birthed.

Whether or not I like it,

He may no longer be ‘there,’

When I see Him again~

When

It is no longer just another Wednesday,

but, a now much-anticipated, prayer-filled,  for the greater good, ”Then.”

 

***

Telling My Story

Like a little child who escaped walking past the scary dog down the street,

with only one sneaker still intact…and my now-last umbrella

scattered about, in the yard of the attacker,

torn to shreds,

now only  multiple symbols of his dominance over my innocence,

I have needed to tell my story,

over and over…

To know that others also escaped…

To know that others didn’t even know that dog was to be feared…

due to his incessant chaining…

To feel sympathy, compassion even, for his also-innocent soul…

To know that others never want me to walk that way again…

My story has been told enough times now.

So many times, in fact, that I now know that there is no need to tell it again…

and, if there ever be another story to tell…

I only need to tell it once…and then let it go…

release it into the white light…

because stories get old…

and can become chains in and of themselves…

and I have not time for getting old…

nor desire to be chained…

only time and desire for creating better stories to tell

~ ~ ~

Written upon my second attempt at total sobriety…NO intoxicants, ever…WHAT WAS I THINKING?

OUT, OUT 

Out with the Sherman’s, that sat at the ready in my deep freeze
Out with the tasty pot extracts, from a group with a ‘burning bush’ philosophy
Out with the buds, traded for $30 at an island Kava Bar ~ in plain sight
By a perpetually stoned black man always in fatigues, waiting on that Aloha Uprising ~

Out with the specialized wine bottle stoppers, so pretty and bright
and the suction devices to keep those precious flavors locked in nice and tight

Out, out, all…now well out of sight

Out with the vaporizer, too, that never did leave it’s box
That should easily sell on Craigslist for $300; I’ll be sly as a fox
Out with the recycling…my handblown turtle-adorned bong, I did suckle

All of these, under weight of my particular self-love, have now buckled

My prior ID: Only an occasional user was I
It felt like a freedom, a minor version of choosing to live, or to die?

Now, ‘I no longer use myself’ is my particular beloved’s broken-record reply

I want to be awake when awake, asleep when asleep
I want to feel the entirety of Life’s feelings, whether shallow or deep
whether they bring smiles to my heart. or make me weep…

My desire now lies with LOVE of my life… ‘as is’ is as I want to feel now
My experiences have created this loving passion for sobriety somehow

and that, well… that…  I SHALL SURELY KEEP!
Until the time I am called back into the presumed-by-many Eternal Sleep <3
==================== 

 

September 3rd, 2010

Hawi

I’m here because

 it’s here

that I’ve chosen to finish healing

To set it all right

To complete past feelings

To live in the Light

of endless momentary JOY

Now I know… God, myself, peace

am able to see

more than I ever wanted to

yet all I ever needed to:

Those in turmoil,

whom I cannot help

Those in love

who I cannot help

 but love more

Limbo does exist, but it’s nowhere man…

Walking zombies…sitting on a fence

In love I choose to reside

With peace and with pride

I’ve fought the good fight and won

N e v e r allowed tying

of my oh-so-innocent tongue

It, and my fingers, would need to be cut off

before I’ll ever be silenced…

As, I know now who I am, and always have been…

A woman of substance

A woman of dignity

I am here now

in a place that wants someone like me

I am free

 

Saturday, July 24th, 2010

Chloe Patra

 

I have a kitten

As little as Can Be

She thinks I’m a giant

She looks for a tree…  to climb, whenever I pass by

Miss Chloe Patra Kitten,

No amount of Tuna, nor tenderness

Can sway you from your fear

If only I’d known to be more like you,

When those charmin’ men came near!

Too trusting you are not

Not at all like your Momma, no not at all like me

Of course, I never knew your real momma…

Only you…a small little bundle of fur my Mr. Beau brought in

You’re a sweet nutty kitten

His sweet Chloe …  Our little Miss Chloe Patra >^,,^

 

Saturday morning, May 29th

He came to me again

although he’d been there all along

Now I have a lifetime friend

Who ever listens to the song

of my soul

 

He touches me now

always has and always will

Never alone, nor even lonely

Am I

 

The folly of the past

Rests among my play things

He smiles at me as I find new toys

the kind a parent prefers

Safe in my knowing that God is always there

Never alone, nor lonely

I am, now

 

  

[Thursday afternoon, May 13th:]

  

 

Saturday, May 8, 2010

 Rustling leaves

morning jazz is past now

Heart on my sleeve

but hidden in Love’s fractal-like pattern

Cat sleeping below my desk

My laundry pile is still a mess

Gotta sort it out

Might even need to use Shout

Easy with an easy heart

My Life’s direction no longer needs a new start

Pointing toward eternity

within the now, of being

Clear, nothing left to fear.

HAPPY

 * * *

Having Tea With Misses Li    

 [Date unknown]

 

Is something I thought of.

It quickly turned into wanting lunch with her.

Now, my soul is happy to know she consented

to lunch at my cottage.

 

She looks forward to her seeing ‘my digs,’

and so do I.

 

Confirmed.  I am navigating toward good people

& they toward me.

 

Mrs. Li…  RARE.

I embrace the joy of her wisdom,

the love in the time she spends with me.

 

Love is all around,

not seen it won’t be found.

 

I have eyes in my soul now…

many eyes, not just that infamous 3rd one.

They are everywhere now…

even in my hand as I write these truths.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

NOTE TO READER:  I WILL NOW BE ADDING NEW POEMS TO THE TOPE OF THIS PAGE, so you won’t need to scroll down to find them.

6/24/2000:  Inspired by “CROSSING  OVER” by William Meredith   

 [For John, whom I left in 2004]

‘Love’

Cakes of floating ice he says…

in turbulent waters he says…

The river is melting he says…

We are in great peril.

 

We need to find a foothold before we go under…

I love this fool’s walk, too.

 

Still, I’ll survive the melting even if you

can’t find a way to withstand the icy waters,

 

Yet, I hope with all of my heart that you’ll learn how to swim.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These first two were written the day I decided to leave ‘the asylum’ 

 (That would be Howard’s house)

Thursday, August 27th, 2009

“The End”

  

I die nightly now

as I shed the multiple roles I’ve tried to juggle

  

Each one having dropped from my routine,

only to be chased by my fears & tossed in amongst the jumble

of little i’s

  

‘i,’ as in “I am.”

  

The nightly death begins with preparation of the meal

that I make for him.

Only now I let go of another illusion

with each role I allow to lay where it fell..

My mask is wearing thin…

and, I welcome an end to the performance…

 

Looking back at all of those roles makes me dizzy

with a new type of joy-

a bud of truth grows within me…

 

I am finding the OFF button,

for the automaton who longs to toss yet another baton

frivolously,

even with a blindfold on.

 

Responsible now to free my hands of the incessant juggling act

I have come to understand.

I used to believe those batons to be grenade-like,

as if dropping one might wipe out the entire audience.

Now, I know that each must be carefully placed back into

the bag of tricks,

that my fears conjured up.

Tricks meant to keep me occupied

with entertaining a crowd of only one,

the one who was trapped by fear.

Me.

The Big I. 

 

*****

 

“The Beginning”  

 

One breath is precious

when it is breathed

with complete expectation that

what & who it nourishes

is satisfied

 

with the one.

* * * **

Just a note: The following was written before I believed in “The Divine.”   Also, Beau (and Chloe, who arrived into my life after I wrote this one eve) now not only has a lovely non-tail touching cat door but he also enjoys (along with Chloe!) an entire, very large, cat enclosure that the new door leads out to, AND cat perches are on their way, via UPS  >^,,^<  >..^<   They are going to LOVE them!  :

Beau B.

 Mr. Beau B. Skittles lost his seahorse collar today.

Glad I bought the break-away variety,

else he might still

be hanging from a tree somewhere,

and my heart would be in torment…

 

The St. Francis medal went with it…

Guess he did his job…

even if I don’t believe in Saints…

 

I suppose that if there are such persons,

who live on and hear our prayers,

he wouldn’t care one iota if I believed in saints or not.

 

Good thing I bought the break-away type kitty collar.

THOSE I do believe in.

 

Beau is resting now…

I told him it’s okay that his collar is lost,

and also reassured him that the new cat door that closes on his tail

is now locked…

and will be replaced with one that won’t hurt him.

 

I am a Momma.

~  ~ ~

FOREVER IS NOW

[Date of writing unknown]

Feeling the moment’s eternity

Amazing senses wanting to be felt

Ignoring the current fashion to whine

 

Howling is preferable

 

For the beast within the child

wants to know

its own beauty.

 

>>>>>>

BRIGHT BLUES

November 2009

High IQ

Low Knowledge

Tentacles reach out

  

Shattered is the reality

I once lived in

  

Replaced by

The fishbowl I now swim through

With so many hiding egos

defended,

Against

This dire need

To touch bare reality

Together.